Honey Buns
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: Cold Pizza - ESPN2
Topic: Food
I typically imagine myself a spontaneous person, but this morning I am reminded that I am a creature of habit - most notably with food. I am a cyclical eater. I go through 4-5 boxes a week of one type of cereal - Great Grains with dates and raisins. I eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I eat it between meals. I eat it. That's what I eat. I add slivered almonds to it for extra protein and to make it more filling. Yes, this phenomenon is in large part due to how my appetite has changed since I got sick. I don't have one. I eat mostly when my stomach feels uncomfortable due to medication or hunger and I eat out of boredom. I have lost 50 pounds or more since my illness hit 4 years ago. I have lost 50 pounds while living on cereal and ice cream and being a total couch potato. I call it The Chronic Illness Diet.

However, this morning I remembered that I've always gone through cycles of eating the same food every day for months at a time. What sparked this realization? A honey bun. My brother brought them home last night. (He's staying with us while Hubby Keith is in England.) For maybe an entire year I ate a honey bun and coffee for breakfast EVERY morning. This was during a period of my life in which I GAINED 50 pounds in 4 years time. I was a single mom working as Artistic Director of a Theatre Group in a small West Virginia town called Logan. I also taught at the local community college and headed their Fine Arts program, which I founded. So, yeah, I was a bit stressed. I absolutely loved my work, but it was very stressful. I tend to eat my stress. I'm a total carb addict. So, the weight gain was no big surprise. I've been a big girl since I was five.

So, this morning I put this huge, iced honey bun under the broiler until the frosting began to bubble and caramelize. I poured myself a huge cup of coffee and sat down to taste nostalgia. It was sweet. It was good. I couldn't finish it.

Several of the doctors I've seen, neurologists mostly, have tried to convince me - and themselves - that all my symptoms are simply a stress response. Nothing to worry about. I suppose you could call a heart attack a stress response, too. Interesting, though, that my whole life I've dealt with stress by overeating. For the past 4 years I've often had difficulty swallowing, much less eating.

A Woman's Constant Companion
Mood:  down
Now Playing: The Today Show
Topic: Guilt
My baby girl just left for school. She turned 14 last night. My friend Jane brought over an ice cream cake. My brother Tom made homemade pizza. I, on the other hand, was in my pajamas until 5pm at which time I finally managed to shower. I'm going through those kind of episodes that leave me with slurred speech, numb facial features, and mush for brains. But I'm never too cognitively impaired to have a good guilt trip. The tape, which is on a loop, sounds something like this;

"You let your daughter down on her birthday. You're depending on your family too much. You smell bad - take a shower already. Your house is a mess. You're just faking these symptoms. You're lazy. You're fat. And you haven't blogged in days."

Yes, even this e-journal has become a source of guilt. Maybe I've typed enough now. Maybe I can stop. Maybe I can go back to bed.

"Bed!? You're so lazy. How can you sleep when your house is such a mess? This blog entry is so lame. You should.............."

bad day
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Ellen Degeneres Talk Show
Topic: Illness
What do I write on the bad days? Not much. On these kind of days, writing, reading, thinking, seems to make my symptoms worse. I feel groggy, brain foggy (cool rhyme). My lips are tingling like they are about to go numb. I'm weak. My head is resting against the back of the chair and my feet are up. I had to double my pain meds because of pain in my left hip and leg. No, Dr.,the pain meds do NOT cause the groggy foggies.

I'd like to tell you about the NCAA Tourney - it's been great! I'd like to tell you how much I'm enjoying my brother being here while my hubby's in England celebrating his 50th birthday. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe. No need to plan with this illness.

Bracketology
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Jerry Springer
Topic: NCAA Tournament
Yep, you read that right. Jerry Springer and his rabid audience and even more rabid guests are raging in the background as I write this. I was too sleepy and achy to get up and change the channel after People's Court went off. The remote is in the other room. Television is too much a part of my life now that I'm disabled. I used to listen to music a lot more often. I would have it on in the background while I cleaned house or did paperwork or cooked dinner. Now - (sorry - one minute. I gotta turn off Springer.) Now, I seldom do anything long enough to warrant appropriate background music.

My husband Keith is a true audiophile. His sound system is worth more than our car. He can sit and listen to music endlessly. Not me. I have to be doing something while I'm listening - exercizing, washing dishes, whatever.

The NCAA Basketball Tournament kicks off in a few hours. My team - The University of Kentucky Wildcats - play at 12:20. March Madness, they call it. I love it. I just finished filling out my brackets. Woh, I'm amazingly sleepy. I'm having to fight to stay awake. I'm not sure why. Bad pain this morning, too. More bracketology later.

Day One
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: ELLEN - daytime talk show
Topic: An introduction
Hi. I'm Sandy, aka Lady Batch - a nickname I gave myself when I married a citizen of the British Realm. I'm 42 years old as of May 2005 and I have a 14 year old daughter. Recently, a friend of mine emailed me and asked, "Do you blog?" I replied, "Gee, that's an awfully personal question." I was using my typically glib humor. She thought I was truly offended.

Based on her response, I started to explore the world of blogging. I can see now that blogging can be a deeply personal experience. It can be just about anything, I suppose. I'm curious to see what it becomes for me. It probably won't be a very hi-tech venture. Although my IQ is above average, my computer skills aren't.

I've titled my web log "Exploring Hypochondria." For the past 4 years, I've been disabled due to some mysterious illness which is yet to be diagnosed. Doctors have often responded to me with a blend of apathy and condescension. The plethora of medical tests I've endured have been little or no help in getting me a diagnosis. The buzzwords in my mountain of medical records are anxiety, stress, and psychologically based - which is doctor talk for 'she's crazy it's all in her head.' The fact that my psychiatrist disagrees with that analysis doesn't seem to matter.

This battle with my health and the AMA has been the overwhelming focus of my life for the past 4 years, so it will undoubtedly be the focus of my writing here as well. Oh, there will be lots of other topics, I'm sure; Family, Theatre, Basketball, Gardening, Ice Cream, Neopets, ... But my health affects everything in one way or another. I suppose that's true of all of us.